Interior Monologue

Last few days a lot went through my life. The bewilderment that invaded my life made me loose the power of thinking.And I wanted to think back from my past to today upto the point of resigning. :) Since my childhood I was always appreciated by parents and teachers for my ability to work appropriately in any cirumstance.But then, how could thngs change like this? how could I loose my capability of thinking.Am I not happy? Am I stressed? Am I doing what I wanna do? Is it my immaturity? Or is it my shallowmindedness that made me resign?Well so many questions arose in my mind and inevitably my mind raced back to the school days. Yes, I was more happy n contented n well I was doing everything that I had a passion for. So what went wrong after high school. Can't say I choose a wrong path either coz I always had a passion for computer science infact started learning comuting in grade 4 n was forced to learn Pascal which sounded greek to me at first but then found very interesting. Ok, so I'm in the correct path but yet what is missing then hmmm still no answer but I remember the literature class which I only went coz mom wanted me to. It was the most boring place for me on earth for a long time. But I couldn't let go.I had to hold on coz mom wanted me to.N I did.Finally it became such a lovely place n I ended up being the first student to go to the class to find a first raw seat. lol So why did I let go? why couldn't I hold on? I guess this is the evernessence of life.How strange life is,how fickle! How littele is needed to ruin or save!. This is my interior monologue. This is what my heart say. However miserable we r at a certain place it could become the best place with time. We hv the chance to turn back but the one who holds on wins the race in this long run in life just like Frodo Bagins who held on to the fact that there was some good remaining in this world which was worth fighing for.Ability to stay impertubable under any circumstance opens the gateway to reach the destination one day through whatever obstacle that come in your way.

Is it what u think it is?Find out before it's too late

Sometimes we act without thinkin n sometimes we think but do not perform the right action.What happened to me last week was similar to the second acion, coz I thought but didn't act wisely and ended up in a mess.Scrutinizing the last week's happenings now I understand what really happened n whwre I went wrong.The problem was I couldn't understand my real problem which was something not related to my job or residence.I was alarmed by some other factor which I should not have even considered important and it made me really stressed as well.
So I assumed that I was stressed by travelling n gave up the job coz I thought I was stressed by the work and the travelling which actually was not the fact that was actually bothering me.
But what happened is over n how much I think about it thing can never change.N I still can't believe I gave up everything for a reason which I should not have considered important.
I think the most important thing for success is understanding who u are n what makes u really happy n where u really wanna be. Most of all when u are streesed it is very important to understand your our real pproblems n which we can't do because we can't think clearly ultimately perform the rational action.
When u feel something is bothering u and need to get away from the feeling it is very important to take a break n it should be u who understand your problems n not your relations and friends. N even though my family and some friends tried to put m in the correct path I could not listen t them coz my stuberness was preventing me from thinkin that I'm wrong.Finally I wanna say live with a clear perspective n understand who u are n your problems before it's TOO LATE.

PS:It's not just one fact.Mixure of very intriguing feelings which made act like a maniac.

Today while readin the news paper I came across a very interestin article, the tale behind the beautiful toy, Barbie Doll or her full name goes as Barbie Millicent Roberts was invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler whose own daughter was called Barbara.Barbie was introduced to the world in an American toy fair in New York city n was intended to be a fashion doll.The Ken,Barbie's boyfriend was named after Ruth's son.Barbie has almost 80 proessions,everrythin from a rock star to a presidential candidate.Some of the other professions r the military series of Barbie dolls army, Air Force,Navy and Marine corps a medical sergent enlisted in desert storm and a Barbie who goes to college as well.

The Barbie Doll has invaded the hearts of people of all age that there r so many movies buils on Barbie.One to mention is the movie, Barbie which is a story about a Barbie Doll comin alive by a spell.My gratitude goes to Art tv for telecastin such an amazin n touchin movie.Well talkin about toys I had a lot of toys includin Barbies whom I used to operate when I played doc's role with my granpa.Most of my dolls were operated or experimented by me coz I tried to break them into parts n rebuild them.Most of the time it ended in failure n I used to prefer buildin blocks, coz I could build anythin as high as I want n smash them n rebuild them.But when I came to grade 4 my favourite was the telescope n I used to watch the sky n identify stars.But the most memorable one is the Lumala which was promised for becomin class first in grade 3 n which was bouht after my scol exam was over coz mom thought it would distract my studies but still love rememberin how I practiced it fallin,gettin up,ridin,n again fallin without going two meters. lol lol ok I guess this turned out to be kind of borin.So HAPPY TOYS DAY EVERYONE.

Immotionaly Disturbed

Last few days there occurred 4 bomb explotions within the past two weeks.The first eexplotion which occurred in the Dehiwala Railway station thoroghly disturbed by feelings.It was around 5'o clock in the evening when mom called home n said their has been a bomb blast in the Colombo-Panadura train n she'sn the next train which was stopped somewhere around Wellawatte at the time.
"Oh No Not again" was my aunty's respond, looking at her horrified face I realized something really bad has happened.Hearing what has happened took me to 12 years back, the year mamma n my uncle died in the bomb blast which occurred in the same railway station.It was a rather unexpected event actually never expected and the event which brought major divastation upon the family.Mamma was my mom's one n only younger sister n as they didn't hv children I was treated as her own child.I still remember the night my uncle came to pur home n said that there has been a bomb blast in the Colombo-Kalutara train n wanted to check on my mom.I was just a grade 4 student n only thing which came into my mind was to switch on the tv n listen to news, I didn't hv a major idea but I felt some feeling of fright rising upon me.Then to my ralaxation mom came home, the rest of tthe events are not clear in my mind but I remember mom going to "Maha Gedara" where mamma n bindu(lokuammi) lived.
With the dawn mom came home n said that I can't go to school tomo, this made me surprised coz mamma has met my mom in the office n given some clay which I needed to take to school for some pracicle session n I was rather excited about that.But though I was just 9 years old the tone of mom's voice made me feel that there is something wrong.And I asked "Mom, Wht has happened?".I was horrified and startled by hearing the unexpected news that mamma's ID card has been found by one of her friend's n one explotion has been it the same apartment that mamma n uncle was in n mom cried making me cry too.She advised me not to tell this to my grandma yet n they went back.Though I was just 9 I starred feeling some darkness surrounding me, loneliness, fright n in exact words feeling of what death exactly is.What I say might not be clear coz I myself can't exactly describe my feelings but I think it's the "fear of loosing someone u love".I layed on bed recollecting the lovely memories of mamma n uncle n praying tht they will be safe.
I couldn't keep quiet when it became 6, 6.30 in the morning n I told grandma what mom said about finding mamma's ID card.OMG! Still I wish I never said that to her, she started weeping n I was scared she will get heart attack by the look on her face n I called my uncle next door who came to settle her.But before long lokumammi came with the news that I feared to hear.
I cried n wept n wished that what I heard was not true n all these happenings never happened n I was in a really horrifying nightmare.
But it was the truth,granma n grandpa lost their youngest n beloved daughter,mom, lokuammi n my uncles lost their youngest sister n I lost what can I say I really felt I lost my whole world.Mamma n Lal uncle whom I loved more than all my uncles n who was totally into having fun played a major part n my life actually they are the people who brought me to Kalutara coz they were worried sending me to a school in Colombo becoz of the sitauation in the country.They feared for mom n my lives n tried their best to make us safe but god was so unfair to take their lives.
We lost them but in the same time the affect it caused lasted years.We didn't celebrate new year for five years n it was the same in Lal uncles' family.God took them n it was over for them but it's the people who live that suffer.I can remember having mamma n uncle with me at home in my sweet dreams n feeling disappointed when I gey up.It' a feeling more than disappointment which I have no word to explain.
I know for sure that it's the same with all the families who lost their relatives in these blasts n noone other than who has gone through such an incident can really understand their hearts , it's a feeling that no dictionaray in the world has words to explain.It took me some courage to write this down coz I have never talked about this with anyone.I still keep certain things safe with me such as mamma's lip gloss,hair clips n uncle's last body cream n most of all their memories which lasts till my death.Miss u mamma.. miss u loads.

Down the Memory lane

Yesterday I got a cool link from a friend (www.surfthechannel.com) which had most of the cool tv shows n movies.Very surprisingly I found the first movie I got to wtch at British Coucil Young Learners "The Princess Bride".It took me down the memory lane to 8 years back.I was sooooo scared at the thought of going to British Council but mom really wanted to send me there coz she wasn't satisfied with Wendy Whatmore n IWMS.

The first day I was feeling terrible coz I'm no good when it comes to making new friends easily n I thought the people will be different n felt I'm gonna be alone there.But to my luck I found an older girl from St:Bridgets' Convent whose name I don't remember n was a bit relieved.Our teacher was called Jackie; " a superb lady" I wul call her without hesitation.First she made us get into a circle n talk about ourselves.To my utmost horror I felt my mouth drying n felt shivering coz I felt I have forgotten everythin about myself.The speeches were going on and it came to a guy who looked totally cool n crazy n all.To me n my friends' utmost surprise he started with his name n stuff then came to "My favorite" part which is an unforgettable part in a kids' speech n he said his favourite author is "Oscar Wilde"n favourite book is "Happy Prince" which were one of my favourites but tht guy was older than me n how can a fairy tale possibly be a favourite book of a grade 9 guy?Even Jackie showed that she was surprised well no wonder for us to feel like that with the appearance of the person.But I was relieved hearing that coz I felt those ppl were not at all bad n not very different from me n I was never afraid to go there no matter how many speeches I had to give n it became like my second home.One thing I realized was how much we grow up our the exposure we had in our childhood plays a major part in our day to day life determining how we respond to paricilar events n our perspective towards life.

Well talking about Princess Bride we had to watch part of it daily n the days' activities were based on that.It had love,magic,horror,fights,crime n everything n I really enjoyed it in 2000 but I'm sure I can enjoy it like the same way I enjoyed it 8 years back coz there are so many memories attached to it.We played games, acted like pirates,had group work n contests n OMG it was soo fun.Wish I can go back 8 years n go to Jackie's class.Miss u British Council n miss u Jackie n all my friends there!

Aftermath of my exams

The exams are over n no more exams for one year coz industrial placement is gonna start in July.It's pretty exciting coz this is the first time I'm gonna work n it's new environment n new n strange people.But unfortunately actually very unfortunately my mom has got some exams and I had to give up my plans to go on a trip to Nuwara Eliya n Badulla.Well I actually guessed something like this would happen coz it's totally normal in my family.The wonder would be if we could go on a trip as we planned ;).
I was totally bored after the exams and feeling down coz the cancellation of the trip.Then CCNA came for my aid.I bought the book one year ago n was planning to finish the exam but BCS n IIT work kept me really busy so I thought why not give it a try n finish it within two months.Ha ha I remember wht I wrote in my first blog post "No more exams for one year n Live my life to the fullest".But becoming a CCNA within two months is not bad actually it's one of the most difficult targets I ever set for myself.

Let the music heal your soul
Let the music take control

It's true guys.Music has so much power on us.

And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep

Robert Frost

Nobody

I'm nobody
Who are you
R u nobody too
Then there's a pair of us
Don't tell them
They'd banish us u know

How dreary to be somebody
How public like a frog
To tell your name
The livelong june
To an admiring bog

Emily Dickinson

Exams again

Well I've got exams again.This time the final exam of the second year.Well wonder why I started blogging when I should be studying now.So unusual of me ;)Mmmm this time also I've given my usual promises to myself.Well I'm gonna go on a trip to Nuwara Eliya and go on pony rides,visit Haggala,Ambewela and then go to Badulla to visit my cousins, have midnight parties with them so on and on.But as usually this time also I'm gonna get stuck with some exam and that'll be the end of my long vacation.Well that's ok I know I'm born to do exams.Either they find me or I find an exam.But as I've finished BCS and no exams at IIT for another year I have little hope that I'll be able to escape from exams.Well God knows.Maybe I'll end up starting CIMA................... .Nooooooooooo no way huh.I'm gonna enjoy n have the time of my life.LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.